Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher