RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
#DesignFail
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain