ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit