I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.