Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
me linking you to my twitter
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Coffee is ready.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.