Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You Might Also Like
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy