Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
This makes total sense…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
6: are snakes just neck?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.