No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me