I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’