Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny đź’€
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.