Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
You Might Also Like
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.