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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Important
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!