“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
😎 🍻
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Carpe DM
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.