Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Try and stop me.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.