“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers