Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.