As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
How dramatic are you?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!