Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET