Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.