If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad