Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.