who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I want what they have