[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
You Might Also Like
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Life is a suicide mission.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that