me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.