I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
You Might Also Like
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.