My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Always
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!