You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
This one’s “Alex”.
Got him!
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”