wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
and this one
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup