I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.