Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios