I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
You Might Also Like
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.