This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey