Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
We found love in a hopeless place.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The sacred texts.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool