[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Batman v Dracula
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out