Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Lol.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Print is alive and well!!!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
It’s the weekend y’all