I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
You Might Also Like
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”