Is anyone gonna tell them?
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
This did not end as expected.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”