You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.