Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Love this guy
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
SCARY COSTUME
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”