When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat