If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.