When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
ODE TO TWITTER
馃幎Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart馃幎
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember鈥r friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 馃檨
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: I feel like I鈥檓 wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you鈥檙e using too much teeth
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*