Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.