vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter