Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Unimpressed
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’