In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.