Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!