*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]