I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I wanna be friends with this person
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*