I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?